Am I a Tiger Mom?

Me? A Tiger Mom? No way…

I have always thought of myself as a supportive mother. I taught them how to read and write. I nurture my children’s talents in writing, art and music. I also signed them up for violin, piano, and art lessons. I organized playdates. I never subjected them to the strict regimen that Amy Chua enforced in her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother - the one where she forbade her daughters to “have a playdate, watch TV or play computer games and get any grade less than an A.”

Amy Chua's best-selling book (the ledger.com)

Then, one day, I received a Mother’s Day gift from Putri, my older daughter. It was a beautiful balloon arrangement, tied with a ribbon in my favorite powder blue shade, inscribed with the words Our Fave Tiger Mommy.

My Mother's Day gift

I was shocked. “Is that how they see me?” I asked myself.

When Putri came home from her internship in New York this past summer, she saw several long-forgotten notebooks in my room. One sparkly purple notebook contains our itinerary, boarding passes and her travel diary on her first trip to Paris when she was 10 years old. It was a habit that I encouraged her to have. “Photographs are merely images, Putri,” I told her. “Words evoke memories and they stay with you longer than images. I also don’t want you to take our overseas trips for granted. You should preserve them in your writing.”

Putri's travel diaries

While Putri marveled at how nice her handwriting was, I was struck by the Euro Disney tickets, bits of Parisian maps and sugar packets from Ladurée that she pasted on the pages. She even drew a picture of the Eiffel tower on the first page of the diary. Her childish writing took me back to the time when Putri could not understand why Shanghainese soup dumplings are not readily found in Paris and me wearing an agonizing pair of shoes for a whole day at a theme park.

After going down the memory lane, Putri asked, “Ma, where is that other notebook? Where you ‘paid’ me for earning A* on my tests?” At this point, I was flummoxed. When it came rushing back to me, I realized that she was referring to a book with columns detailing her various subjects - the high grades she achieved and the corresponding funds that she earned.

Putri happily went through the notebook and chuckled when she declared “Ma…look! I earned a total of Rp. 5,000,000 (USD 325) from primary one to four!” As I looked at my own handwriting that entered the corresponding numbers to her grades, Putri giggled and said, “I didn’t even understand the concept of money. For me, I was just happy to be collecting points – like a game!”

I realized that I was being a Tiger Mother without realizing it. My husband and I wanted to ‘reward’ Putri for her efforts by implementing the system. My husband especially intended to teach Putri to purchase the things she wanted, such as toys and snacks from her own stash of money. Of course, we still bought her the more expensive gadgets such as her mobile phone, laptop and Nintendo Switch, but she was proud of getting a small piece of stationery from her “earnings.” Nonetheless, when Putri brought home a test with a grade less than an A*, we never scolded her. We saw how much effort she put in and encouraged her to do better.

When her little sister, Hillary, came along, we did not implement this system as we saw that our children can be motivated more with our love and attention rather than a reward scheme based on money.

While Putri joined various competitions in high school, ranging from business competitions to Model United Nations, I saw that Hillary was especially gifted in Mandarin and art. At the encouragement of her Mandarin tutor, Hillary expressed her wish to participate in a Mandarin recitation competition, and won a well-deserved silver medal. She also took a Mandarin proficiency test (HSK level 3) and achieved one of the highest scores in the world. As for art, she started exhibiting her sketches at Lotte Shopping Center last year and is now working on digital illustration.

My two girls are different and I never asked them to join competitions that they never wanted to be involved in. Both girls asked to learn the piano and violin. I remind them to practice as I want them to play the instruments well and achieve good results on their practical and theory examinations. However, I never told them to play their instruments five to six hours a day – the way Amy Chua demanded her daughters when the pieces became more demanding and difficult.

While Amy Chua’s second daughter, Louisa, rebelled and stopped learning the violin, my daughters have continued to play their respective instruments to this day.

As I look back on my daughters’ childhood, I admit that my parenting style shows some elements of being a Tiger Mother. Nevertheless, I know that my daughters never resented me for their upbringing. Putri thanked me for helping her get into Cornell, an Ivy League university, while Hillary appreciates my help with managing her time and becoming one of the best students in her class. After all, which resentful daughter would send me that beautiful Mother’s Day balloon?